To my Navy Girls. . . . I love you guys!

"The goodbyes are what make hellos so wonderful."

How many times have we heard this? How many times have we heard this and wanted to hate it, but instead had to love it because it was the truth. Hundreds maybe.. even thousands of times.

Loving a man far away is hard, no matter what anyone says. Long distance in itself is difficult. But what magnifies it even more is the military lifestyle, the fact that our men are also Sailors. Being an extension of the Navy, we are involved too. We lead our civilian lives, but, whether or not we believe it, we also lead extensions of our Sailor's life. We learn about the Navy. We read about it, speak of it, and maybe even dream about it. We know what all the acronyms mean, and we don't even have to think twice when confronted with military time. We know rank, and how to address it. We find ourselves swelling with pride every time we hear the National Anthem or America the Beautiful. Both of which give us chills down our spines and tears in our eyes. Every time we see another man in uniform, our hearts yearn for our own Sailor, and our prayers extend to whomever is loving this man from far away. Each of you know exactly what I mean as I sit here, writing this to you.

I am writing it for you.

For all of you who wake up in the morning, lay there for a few moments, trying to swallow the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach as you wonder where your Sailor is or how he is doing... this is for you.

For all of you who start a countdown the minute he leaves and continue to until he is back in your arms again... this is for you.

For all of you who tear up every time "Far Away" comes on the radio, or who press repeat when "Come Home Soon" plays in your car... this one's for you.

For all of you who see Navy billboards, ads in the paper, or commercials on TV and next notice the tears rolling down your cheeks, this is for you.

I am one of you too. This is for US.

For all the times we sleep with our phones on the loudest possible volume as to not miss the call that just MIGHT come...

For all of you who can't walk past the computer when your Sailor is deployed without just checking to see if MAYBE you have an email.

For all the times we roll our eyes when another girl is depressed because she hasn't seen her guy in a week... poor thing.

For all of you who know exactly how many hours ahead of you your Sailor is when he is in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Dubai, The Gulf, Japan, etc. . .

For all the late nights that we spend alone, cuddling with our stuffed animals, wearing our Sailors PT sweatshirts and sweatpants, clutching his precious dog tags around our necks...

This one is for us.

We may feel weak on the inside, but, on the outside we're strong.
We may be drowning in tears on the inside, but, on the outside we are a rock.
We may want to crawl into bed and sleep until our man comes home, but, instead, we get up and go on with our daily lives with our men in our hearts, and always in our thoughts.
We may feel like we're slowly dying with each day we spend apart from our men, but, instead, we put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.

We are strong and we are proud.
We have more love in our hearts than we ever thought possible, and, for this, we are thankful. We are thankful for our men and also for each other. We are Sailor's girls and we lean on one another. We have a sisterhood.

Alone we are weak, but, together we are strong. We help each other and we survive.

To all of you USN gals out there- hold your head up and be proud.
We are connected, ALWAYS.

I can breathe. . . .

I just had the most amazing phone call with my husband. He called from port and it is the first time I have heard his voice in a month. But the most amazing thing is all of the stuff that we talked about. He spent $50 to buy 2 phone cards so that we could talk for 2 hours. . that was a great surprise. I don't know why, but we both just started opening up and talking about things that we have never really talked about. We have had some really rough years in our marriage and to be honest. . neither one of us thought that it would last. Not because we didn't care about each other, just because we had given up on each other. But that is a whole different story. Things were BAD. But things have gotten better in the last 6 months. A LOT better. I am very guilty of not being there for him in his times of need, because I felt like he was never there for me. . so when his dad passed away. . I did what I needed to do as far as help organize the funeral, and take care of the financials and getting the house and stuff taken care of. . but I never really opened myself up to him to let him grieve. . yes, I had beef with his dad. . but that should never have made me not be there for my husband. Anyway, that is another REALLY long story. And I have done quite a few other things that i really regret. I had a talk with my best friend one night about all of our problems and things I did and things he did. . and she just told me that she feels like everything, good or bad, happens for a reason, and if it wouldn't have happened I wouldn't be feeling like I am today. It just kind of switched a light on for me. She is totally right. Now this is the same person I have been trying to give marital advice to, she needs to just listen to herself. . lol. But from that day on, I have realized that I am more in love with my husband than the day that I married him. . and I cant thank her enough for that. Yes, before I was getting to this point. . I was finally happy with him, and the way things were going, but I just needed that push to realize that everything was going to be okay. And after talking to him today, I know that everything is going to be okay. We were both in tears when we got off the phone. . and he was around hundreds of guys, but he said he didn't care. He talked to me about things that had been bothering him about us, and I did the same thing, and we talked about his dad dying. . and a lot of other things. It was a GREAT talk. . probably one of the best we have ever had. I am just so at peace right now. . it is a wonderful feeling. Also, for anyone who cares. We have decided that as soon as he gets home we are going to have another baby. This was his idea. I have tossed around the thought, but I wanted to wait until it was a better time for him. . but the more I kept thinking about it, I realized that there never would be a perfect time for us. . if we wait until shore duty maddison will be 5, nearly 6 before we had it, and I just don't want them that far apart. . so we will officially be trying when he gets home. I am so excited. On another note. . maddison is sick. . I feel sorry for her. . she is running a fever and puking.. .fun fun. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow.

Frustration. . .

Talking dirty through email is just not that effective. . . LOL.

OUCH!

That is what I say everytime my bra strap rubs my shoulders. . lol. I have spent 2 days this week at the beach, and I am going back Sunday. I am burnt.. but I love it! Lol. I wouldnt have it any other way. I think it just kind of dawned on us that summer is over, and fall is passing by quickly, so we need to get as much beach time in as possible. I love the ocean.. it is such a stress reliever for me. I love going to the beach and laying in the sun, cooking my ass, and listening to the waves crash. . ahh heaven. The kids love it. I love them being there. . we can let them go, and they run and they play, and they are not in my hair. . LOVE IT. It has been a pretty good week. Tomorrow is 100 days since hubby left. Time has been pretty good to us. Not too slow. He will be home in less than 100 days. . so that is a wonderful thing. Cant wait! He is hitting port in a few days. . so I will get a phone call.. I cant wait to hear his voice again! He has also been promoted to shift supervisor. . this is a good thing for him. . it looks great on his evals.. but it also means a lot more work. . so that sucks for me. But he is great at his job and he puts his whole heart into it.. so things will be fine. I am just so proud of him.

An all around bad day. . .

I miss him. I am having a really hard day today. Things have been fine. I have been very proud of myself this deployment. I have not broken down once, not once. I have been strong. Today is a different story. I keep crying at the drop of a hat, I am lonely, and I am sad. I want my husband home. I know this may sound selfish. He has only been gone for 3 months. There are thousands of other women out there who have been without their husbands a lot longer than that. And there are the ones that will never see their husbands again. I count myself lucky that I only have to survive 6-7 month deployments at a time. Even though they come way too often. But today, I am not feeling very strong. I don't feel strong most days, I feel like I could fall apart at the drop of a hat and my world is always chaos, but I hold it together. I have to. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to our half way party today, to celebrate this deployment being half finished. This is a good day, yet it makes me realize we are only half finished. . that means I have another 3 months to go. I don't know how I will make it. Although I hate deployments with everything inside of me, and every time I hear that word mentioned I get sick at my stomach, I do have to credit them with saving my marriage. Most people don't know of all of our problems, that is something I have always been good at, hiding my true problems. But lets just say that things were more than shaky there for a while. Just in the past 6-9 months have I realized what I want out of my life. It took me that long to decide what I need to be happy. I know this is sad, but that is just life I guess. I am at peace in my life right now, and I am ever so grateful for that. But I have a friend who is at the exact same point in her life right now that I was at only a few short years ago. She thinks that it is the end of the world, and she is ready to give up. Well, she has given up. I wish I could pass on my infinite wisdom to her, but I can't. This is something that she needs to deal with on her own. I have given her my advice, but that is all that it can be, advice. She has to make the decision in her life if it is worth sticking around for. Personally, I am so glad that I stuck around. There were many many days and months where I didn't know why I did, but now I am so happy that I did. I wish the best for her. She is young just like me, and she is having to walk the same hard road I did. I would never wish that upon my worst enemy, bless her heart. Why can't life be easy? Why can't things just be cut and dry? Not only will I be sad for her if she does lose her marriage, I will be sad for me too. I know that is selfish, but she has become one of my very best friends, and I don't want to lose her. She has helped me get through some rough times over the past few months, and she is exactly what I needed to help get me out of my rut. I have had so much trouble finding friends in the places we have lived. I have made many "friends" and gone and done things with them and that sort of thing, but I had not been able to find that person that I could call at 2 am because I am upset, or I can just walk into her house and take whatever I want out of the fridge. That is what I needed. I needed someone who knows what I am going through, because they are too. I finally found that. We have so much in common, and we understand each other. I don't want to lose her. But I do want her to make the best decisions regarding her life, and if that is going back home, and leaving her husband, then that is what she needs to do. She deserves to be happy just like anyone else in the world. Her marriage is very new, and they still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but if both of them are not willing to work on things, then there is no hope. Deployment doesn't make that any easier. But yes, I am sad today, today is not a good day. I need a bottle of tequila and a baby sitter. . lol. I miss my husband, I want him home, now. Thinking of him right now makes me burst into tears. I have finally had it. . .my good cry since he left. I needed that I know. . but dammit I hate to cry. And now I have messed up my makeup, so I guess I need to go and reapply. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Tiny Tot Love ♥

So maddison has her first boyfriend. It is too cute. His name is Connor and he was 2 in April. He is the cutest little thing. He is my new friend Sandi's son. They have been together every single day since last Saturday. When we are not with them Connor is saying "I wanna go Maddison's house" "I love maddison" and Maddison is saying "connie. . connie and looking out the window". It is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Maddison is so aggressive with him. . she is always trying to hug him and kiss him. . and he is like "get away". .LOL. Of course my hubby is not happy that he goes away and she gets her first boyfriend. He says I just can't let her get married before he gets home. I sent him a pic and he said. . "he is a really cute kid. . it is sad that I am going to have to kill him" ha ha. Well, I just thought I would share about my little one's first love.

A Little Adult Conversation goes a long way. . .

Oh my gosh. . you never know how much you miss talking to an adult until you have the opportunity. . now don't get me wrong my 2 year old is quite the conversationalist and she always has something interesting to say. . but half of it I can't understand. . ha ha. I finally met some ladies here that I think I am going to get along with really well. I started talking to one of them on myspace and then we decided to meet up yesterday. . and I met another at the Family Support Group Meeting last night. One has a 2 year old son and him and my baby girl got along sooo well. . We ended up all going over to one of the girl's house to eat dinner and we didn't leave until 1 am. We were all so excited about talking to an adult I think. They are both wives from my command so we have that in common. I am also starting to take the lil one to 2 play groups every week. One here at LB and the other is a Mommy's morning out thing at PI. I am soo looking forward to that. She loves playing with other kids. . but I was having trouble finding mommies that I could tolerate long enough for that. . but now I think I have! YAY! Ha ha sorry to ramble. . but I am just relieved. . I think this will help pass the time of cruise a lot better!

It's August!!

July went by so quickly.. thank the lord! I hope the months continue to fly by and don't start dragging ass like I know they are going to. I seem to have a lot to keep me busy. That is good. This week has actually gone by fast, I have had a million things to do around here, after being gone for 10 days. Whew you never know how much you will miss your house and your stuff until you leave it for a while. I had a pretty good trip back home. I threw my sis a sweet 16 party. It was a bust. Her friends are losers from hell. I invited 65 people and 2 showed up. Her best friends weren't even there. Well, they used to be her best friends. . I don't know now. My friends would NEVER have done that to me. . she needs to find some better "friends".

The rest of the week I didn't do too much, then I went to PCB for the weekend with my mom and step dad and sis and Nanny. It was an okay trip, not what I would call a vacation, but it was okay. We ended up having a pretty good time after a rough start. Oh yeah, and my windshield got broken on the way home.. a truck threw something up off of the road and now it is cracked in the middle. . OH that PISSED me off. And of course I don't have the money right now to get it fixed because my insurance deductible is more then the windshield, so I am having to drive around like a redneck with a big crack in my windshield. UGH!! But anyway. . I really would like to try to take a week long vacation down there next summer though. . It has changed a lot since the last time I went, and there were a ton of things down there that I want to do. Maybe I can find someone to split a condo with us and we can go. Can't afford it on my own. ha ha.

I really don't have a lot going on in August to keep me busy. I am going back home at the end for my kiddo's 2nd birthday. OMG I can't believe she is almost 2!! I was shocked at seeing her boy cousin when I went back home. . he just turned 2 and he was so much bigger than the last time I had seen him, which was only a couple of months ago! I think we need to put a book on their heads. Not just bigger, but the vocabularies keep growing! I am not going to have a baby anymore after Sept. I think there is some kind of mourning process you have to go through when your first baby grows up, I am NOT looking forward to that. I am not sure about when she will get a little brother or sister. Hubby wants another sooo bad. . but I keep telling him, how about you get to know your first kid first!! haha. . Poor thing. She is 23 months old and he has seen her for 11 months of her life. That is really sad. . I know. And of that 11 months he was gone a lot for training. He missed her 1st bday and he is going to miss her 2nd. I just pray that he is home for her 3rd. It is so funny though, because even though they get to spend so little time together she is such a Daddy's Girl. She kisses his picture and talks to it every day. And I wear his dog tags when he is gone and she kisses them and says "daddy's necklace" it is so sweet. She misses him like crazy. . every morning when she wakes up the first thing she says is "Daddy?" and I have to say "no baby. . he is still on the ship". I will be so glad when we get to a point when he doesn't have to deploy as often. But until then I will be here supporting and missing him. He got to call when he was in port in France. I got to talk to him twice! It was great to hear his voice. I dunno when he will get to call back. . no more ports for a long time I am afraid. Well the kid just woke up from her nap so I have to go back to playing mommy now.

Coping. . .

Ugh. . I don't feel good today. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I wanna puke. I hate feeling sick, that is the worst thing in the world. And of course my poor child has no clue and she just wants to play with mommy. Mommy doesn't want to play. ha ha. Days like this make me really miss my Petty Officer. Don't get me wrong I miss him all of the time. But this deployment is different for some reason so far. I am at peace. It is strange. Yes, I miss him, and yes, I want him to come home, and yes, I worry about him every single day. But I am fine with all of that for now. I get up in the morning get into my normal routine and go about my day. I am not letting this get to me. I am a strong woman and I can make it. . well at least that is what I keep telling myself. I am counting down the days until he gets home, but I think I will be fine until then. I am keeping myself busy with little projects that need to be done around the house, and I have several trips planned to go back home. Once for my lil sis's sweet 16, and then again for my lil one's 2nd birthday, and then for Thanksgiving, and then for Christmas. So that is 4 trips home. That should keep me busy. I think I will be making the Christmas trip alone this year. . from the sounds of it they won't be back by then. A news reporter asked when we might expect them back. . and I quote the skipper "We are here to serve our country and the president and to support the ground troops. . .We will return when our Nation doesn't need us anymore." Oh, okay. . see you in 2029. It is a little scary not knowing when they will be home. .but we deal. We have to.

Now the Real Countdown Begins. . .

The Countdown until he comes home. Well actually there is not really a true x amount of days until daddy gets home. . . because they never tell you when they are going to be home. They say "maybe sometime in December". . which really means. . could be December. . could be January. . who knows. But anyhow. .he is gone. Not really gone gone yet. . ship's movement hasn't happened yet. . can't tell you when it is going to. . you know OPSEC and all. . "Loose Lips Sink Ships". But it is happening soon. . but the air wing flew up there yesterday. It was a sad going away. Particulary because of the lil one's reaction. Hubby was like "tell me bye, I am going to be gone for a long time" and she was like "bye daddy" and then wanted to keep playing. Then he said bye to me and they started walking to the plane. Suddenly she realized that he was no longer standing there and then she saw him off in the distance and she started screaming "DADDY DADDY. . MOMMA GO!! DADDY GO GO!!" It was soooo sad. She burst into tears and tried running after him. . of course I had to catch her and she kicked me and screamed. Some of the women that don't have kids around me started crying because she was so upset. Of course there were many other kids there just as upset. It was difficult. It wasn't so bad last time they left.. she didnt have a clue what was going on. But now she is asking for him constantly. I think she will be fine until he calls from the first port call and she realizes that he isn't going to come home. But as sad as it is, this is something that she will have to get used to.

So far I am fine. . but it isn't too real yet because I can still talk to him on the phone right now. He will actually be at Oceana for about a week because they are making him stay back to make sure all of the jets dont have any problems when they take off to head that way. Then they will fly him and the few other guys that stayed back with him out to the ship. He is so looking forward to this because he has been catapulted off of the ship before but he has never landed on it and caught the wire. And of course in that sick Macho mind set guys have. . this is the coolest thing to happen to him all year. ha ha. The first port call is going to be very soon after they leave . . and then we were told not to expect too many after that. They will be spending all of their time doing combat missions. I can't give any details. . but it is going to suck.

We had a great 4th of July. We went to Parris Island and watched the fireworks and listened to the Marine Corps Band. . it was great. Good times.. It was a wonderful way to spend our last day together before he left.

I just hope that he makes it in for Christmas. . but I am not going to get my hopes up. Well more to come as I am allowed to talk about it.