Coping. . .

Ugh. . I don't feel good today. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I wanna puke. I hate feeling sick, that is the worst thing in the world. And of course my poor child has no clue and she just wants to play with mommy. Mommy doesn't want to play. ha ha. Days like this make me really miss my Petty Officer. Don't get me wrong I miss him all of the time. But this deployment is different for some reason so far. I am at peace. It is strange. Yes, I miss him, and yes, I want him to come home, and yes, I worry about him every single day. But I am fine with all of that for now. I get up in the morning get into my normal routine and go about my day. I am not letting this get to me. I am a strong woman and I can make it. . well at least that is what I keep telling myself. I am counting down the days until he gets home, but I think I will be fine until then. I am keeping myself busy with little projects that need to be done around the house, and I have several trips planned to go back home. Once for my lil sis's sweet 16, and then again for my lil one's 2nd birthday, and then for Thanksgiving, and then for Christmas. So that is 4 trips home. That should keep me busy. I think I will be making the Christmas trip alone this year. . from the sounds of it they won't be back by then. A news reporter asked when we might expect them back. . and I quote the skipper "We are here to serve our country and the president and to support the ground troops. . .We will return when our Nation doesn't need us anymore." Oh, okay. . see you in 2029. It is a little scary not knowing when they will be home. .but we deal. We have to.

Now the Real Countdown Begins. . .

The Countdown until he comes home. Well actually there is not really a true x amount of days until daddy gets home. . . because they never tell you when they are going to be home. They say "maybe sometime in December". . which really means. . could be December. . could be January. . who knows. But anyhow. .he is gone. Not really gone gone yet. . ship's movement hasn't happened yet. . can't tell you when it is going to. . you know OPSEC and all. . "Loose Lips Sink Ships". But it is happening soon. . but the air wing flew up there yesterday. It was a sad going away. Particulary because of the lil one's reaction. Hubby was like "tell me bye, I am going to be gone for a long time" and she was like "bye daddy" and then wanted to keep playing. Then he said bye to me and they started walking to the plane. Suddenly she realized that he was no longer standing there and then she saw him off in the distance and she started screaming "DADDY DADDY. . MOMMA GO!! DADDY GO GO!!" It was soooo sad. She burst into tears and tried running after him. . of course I had to catch her and she kicked me and screamed. Some of the women that don't have kids around me started crying because she was so upset. Of course there were many other kids there just as upset. It was difficult. It wasn't so bad last time they left.. she didnt have a clue what was going on. But now she is asking for him constantly. I think she will be fine until he calls from the first port call and she realizes that he isn't going to come home. But as sad as it is, this is something that she will have to get used to.

So far I am fine. . but it isn't too real yet because I can still talk to him on the phone right now. He will actually be at Oceana for about a week because they are making him stay back to make sure all of the jets dont have any problems when they take off to head that way. Then they will fly him and the few other guys that stayed back with him out to the ship. He is so looking forward to this because he has been catapulted off of the ship before but he has never landed on it and caught the wire. And of course in that sick Macho mind set guys have. . this is the coolest thing to happen to him all year. ha ha. The first port call is going to be very soon after they leave . . and then we were told not to expect too many after that. They will be spending all of their time doing combat missions. I can't give any details. . but it is going to suck.

We had a great 4th of July. We went to Parris Island and watched the fireworks and listened to the Marine Corps Band. . it was great. Good times.. It was a wonderful way to spend our last day together before he left.

I just hope that he makes it in for Christmas. . but I am not going to get my hopes up. Well more to come as I am allowed to talk about it.

The Countdown begins. . .

until Deployment. . . UGH. I have put it off as long as possible. I guess I thought that if I didn't think about it or if I didn't talk about it that it wouldn't happen. Well pretending that he is not leaving is not going to work anymore. . we are in final countdown mode. I hate the final week before he leaves. There is never ending amounts of stuff to do. Honey do this and honey do that before you leave because I don't want it to mess up while you are gone. . paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. Making sure the direct deposit is good, making sure we have an agreement on each other's budget while we are apart, making sure the power of attorney is good, making sure the dreaded will is correct, filling out emergency contact sheets, filling out final wishes sheets, making sure the all of his file is up to date. . it never ends. . then there is the packing. . the shopping for the packing. . . never ending nonsense. There is so much stuff to do to prepare there is no time to spend just having family time. . .well not that we could get that anyway because on top of all the stuff that has to be done at home there is that much and more for him to do at work so they are working 16-18 hour nights and weekends. . oh we did hear that they might get the 4th off work. . how sweet of them to let us celebrate independence day. .you know the reason they are fighting in the first place.

I am just really stressed right now. But I put the brave face on and tell him how supportive I am and that I am so proud of him and that we will be fine. Then I do the crying behind closed doors so that no one can see. I know he hates leaving us behind and he hates missing so much in the lil ones life. . . but deep down he has this need and want to go. As soon as they get the orders there is this little sparkle that they all get in their eyes. They try their best to hid it from us. . be we see it. We secretly hate that twinkle, but it is comforting to know that the people that are out there defending us want to be there and the love every minute of it. Yeah, they sometimes complain, but who doesn't complain about their job? But at the end of the day every single sailor, marine, soldier, or airman that I know would go back in a heartbeat and they cant think of anything else they would rather be doing.

Ships movement is happening sooner than what we were originally told, but that is really no surprise to me. I have learned that in a life with the government you don't expect something to happen on a certain date until it is actually happening. Dates, times, and places WILL be changed a hundred times before the event. For me being such an organization freak this is a little unnerving for me, but I manage. . ha ha.

As the deployment creeps nearer the fights get closer together. They call it "predeployment isolation". ha ha leave it to the government to name everything. They say it is because you don't want to get close to anyone that you know that you are going to be apart from for a while. It happens every time. . and then 5 minutes after you drop him off he calls and says I am so sorry.. I miss you already. ha ha ha. . it's just another one of those things that we deal with. But anyway. . I am going to go. I am sure that I will be writing a lot more about this, because this is a great outlet for me. . I don't like to whine to people with my problems so I will just air them out for the entire cyberspace to read . . ha ha.

Ta ta for now!

Random Thoughts

I am bored out of my mind and the lil one is napping so I thought I would get on here and spit some random thoughts.

Happy Memorial Day first off. I hope that everyone is remembering the true meaning of the day and not that it is just a day to get off work and have and excuse for a barbecue. Many men and women have died for this country and they deserve the upmost respect.

There are only like 5 more days until the dh comes home. It seems like he has been gone forever and it has only been like 9 days. This upcoming deployment is going to SUCK! But oh well, what can you do?

My dad and stepmom came and visited for a few days. That was nice. They don't ever get to visit. We ran non stop the whole time they were here, but we had a blast. The only thing is that when I go do something or go eat somewhere where I have never been before I feel a little guilty that dh can't be there with me. But then I remember that he has gotten to go to about 9 countries that I have not seen and there are no telling how many more before his career is over. So I only feel bad for a second! ha ha. I am exhausted after them leaving though, so I have done NOTHING today. Tomorrow brings house cleaning and laundry though. . fun fun.

Let's see. . what's next? My little brother is a piece of shit. I wish I could strangle him with my bare hands. I am sick and tired of him mooching off of everyone and getting away with it. I don't care what lifestyle he chooses to live, that is his business. . but he needs to do that on his own. . and not have to rely on an 83 year old woman and a 21 year old girl to support him. What kind of loser does that? Well, more to come about that. . but the little one just woke up. .

I love my mom. . I really do!

So I started back on my WW diet today. . I was doing sooo good last summer and then I moved and couldn't go to meetings anymore. . but I took a vow to stick with it and all that BS. Well of course I didn't stick with it, and I have started back 3 times since, to last about 3-4 weeks and fall off the wagon again. Well I made up my mind. . this is the week! I am starting today! Nobody is getting in my way! I was doing great today. . wonderful in fact! I stuck with my diet just fine. . then I actually went and walked at least 2 miles. I was very proud. Then I get home. The doorbell rings. It is a woman with a huge bouquet of flowers. I look at hubby he say's "it wasn't me. ." and then shoots the "Who the hell sent you flowers" look. Then She hands me a huge box of chocolates. From the Chocolate Tree. . a local candy store. I have been wanting to get candy from there since I have moved here. . but I refrained. I read the card. . "Happy Mother's Day. . blah blah blah, Love, Mom". Back to the "I love my mom, I really do". Now if this was just some random box of chocolates I could resist no problem. . I don't eat a lot of sweets anyway. But, no, this is the best chocolate I have had in a while. This is even better than River Street Sweets in Savannah and I thought that place was the best ever! Now I have to practice "Will Power" ha ha. . if I had will power I would not need WW. I am starting by taking a lot of it to the squadron tonight and giving it to the guys in Hubby's shop. That will take care of some of it. . but the rest is for me!! ha ha. . I guess I will be walking 4 miles the rest of the week! I guess that is pay back for the 2lbs of Hershey's chocolate I sent my mom for Mother's Day! ha ha ha! But she is about to get liposuction. . so she can get away with it! BLAH!

Kind of a funny story. . .

We went to town on Sunday and when we were coming back onto the base I said let's just stop by the park with Maddison. . so we started to and then I decided that maybe we should run home fist and grab her something to drink because it was super hot that day and then we could just walk to the park. Well we got the drinks and were getting ready to walk that way when we say a HUGE black cloud of smoke in the same area we were about to go to. That particular park his right next to the 7 day store/gas station. So we hopped into the car instead and headed that way thinking the gas station was on fire. When we got around the corner we quickly realized it wasn't the gas station, it was the park! ha ha. It is not every day you see slides with 40 foot flames coming out the top. This is the same place we would have been at if we wouldn't have gone to the house for drinks. When we drove by it the first time it was fine so it had to have happened during the 2-3 mins we were at home. We watched the firemen put it out, but it was completely destroyed. The housing communtiy is undergoing remodeling and that was the last park they finished. . it was all brand new equpitment that is now a melted pile of plastic. I have no idea how it started. The lil one just watched and said "Oh No!! Uh Oh!!" over and over. It was sad! ha ha. Well I guess that is just one more traumatic childhood event that she can discuss with her therapist one day! Needless to say we went to another park! But we had fun none the less. Just thought I would share my amusing story.

Mother's Day. .

I had a pretty good Mother's Day. Hubby let me sleep in and then he brought me breakfast in bed. He got me a nice pot for my palm tree on the front porch, and a few other little things for the yard, and a sweet card from him and the lil one. Then later that night he cooked me dinner and even cleaned the kitchen! It was a wonderful thing. I wish every day was Mother's Day. . he he. I hope everyone else had a great day also.

Well on a more Ugh side of things.. my hubby just realized a few days ago that he was sent the wrong books for one of his distance learning courses, and when he called them to find out what he needed to do, they said well we can send you the new books but your tests and homework have to be turned in by the 15th. HA HA HA. He got the right books like Saturday, and then had until today to do all of the quizzes, homework, and then go take 2 tests and a final today. So I got conned into doing his homework. It was algebra, I have not done algebra since 8th grade. . and there were 60 assignments to do in 2 days. I started working on these yesterday morning at about 10am. . I went to bed at about 5:30am this morning. Got up, and started again. Only stopping to take care of the lil one's needs. My hand hurts, my head hurts, my neck hurts, and I am tired! Ugh, the things we will do for our husbands. But we got it done and he went and took his tests and final. Praise the lord!

About the lil one. . we are doing GREAT with potty training. I am so proud of her. She is doing a wonderful wonderful job. We are still having some accidents, but that is to be expected. I am not forcing it. She just pretty much goes when she wants to right now. She is such a great kid. She keeps me laughing all day long. I don't know what I would do without her.

Hubby leaves Sunday to go on a det (detachment) to the boat again. Good news, is they are only supposed to be gone for 10 days. Yay! That is great! Bad news is, there are rumours flying that they will not be coming back and just go straight into deployment. Not great! But they are just rumours right now. They have a pre-deployment briefing this week sometime, so maybe we will find out for sure then.

My dad and stepmom are coming to visit next week. This should be fun. They don't get to come visit very often. They only came to Va Beach, one time, and I think that is only because we had just had the baby. ha ha.

I'm really not that bad of a mom. . .

I guess some days being a "single" parent just gets to me. I am to the point today where I just don't want to go any further. I have the beginnings of a migraine and I just want to crawl into bed and cry. Husband is supposed to be home at midnight Saturday. Well I have to drive to Savannah and pick him up at midnight because the air strip here is closed due to the airshow this weekend. But anyway. . back to my point. Some days I just want to give up. I have yelled so much today. This is one of those days where the kid is being a SHIT. She is into EVERYTHING. Tearing up EVERYTHING. I have been trying to clean today. . ha ha ha. I can't get one thing finished without turning the corner and a new mess awaits. If I find one more goldfish cracker crushed into the carpet I think I may flip. I know it is not her fault, it is all of my emotions that need to be fixed. .

My life is so stressed right now. I guess I don't really have anyone to turn to. Nobody really understands how I am feeling, or they will judge me for the things that I need to get off my chest. I guess keeping all of this bottled inside is starting to take its toll on me. I don't like being that mom that screams at her kid constantly and just wants to beat her until she stops, but that is how I feel right now. I never wanted to have kids this young. But I guess that you have to take the hand that you are dealt. Here lately I have been rethinking a lot of decisions that I have made in my life. What if I would have done this differently or this. . or so on. But I can't change things now. . so I need to move on with life. Sometimes I just feel like I am missing out on something. What, I don't know. . but something.

Well I guess I need to get my head out of my ass and try and survive until bed time. Hopefully that won't be too far away.

OMG I want to sleep!

It is 1 am! I am not sleeping. Why, you might ask. Because I have my eyes glued to the radar. Yes, it is getting to be that time of year again when almost every week there is a threat of severe weather. It ALWAYS happens when I am alone. . ALWAYS!! So I get to pull double duty and stay up by myself. It really hasn't gotten here yet and that is what is pissing me off. It is just west of us. I wish it would hurry up and move through so I can go to bed. Because no matter how much sleep I manage to get, Maddison will be up at the ass crack of dawn as her usual chipper self. UGH! This has been a really dangerous set of storms though. One did some serious damage in Enterprise, AL. My step mom's sister lives there, and the tornado was really close to her house. Luckily they are fine and had no damage. Our tornado siren has gone off twice today for no reason. . I dunno. But it is REALLY freaking loud! It is like maybe 100 yards from my house! GEEZE! I just hope it doesn't have to go off again. It would be nice for it to just blow over and then I can go to bed. But just in case it doesn't, just like any good southern girl, I have the bathroom ready. . blankets, pillows, shoes, jackets, flashlight, and my purse! haha. Well, that is what you get from living in AL all your life! Well, we shall see how the rest of the night plays out. . hopefully uneventful!!

Are you kidding me??

Well, the ship was supposed to get underway yesterday. But instead I get a phone call saying that as they were pushing away from the pier the ship went dead in the water! Are you kidding me? So they moored back up and sent divers into the water to fix the problem.. something to do with one of the propellors or something. It took the divers until after 10 last night to fix it. Then no more did they get finished with that, they had a problem in one of the engine rooms. So as of midnight last night hubby still didnt know when they were going to get to pull out. He called this morning at about 0930 and said they were attempting to push off again. I assume they made it because I have not heard anything contrary to that. Is that not a sign that they just dont need to go?? I can just see them out in the middle of the ocean and the reactors going down. .which they have been known to do. . leaving them bobbing like an oversized bath toy! That ship is a piece of shit anyway. It was supposed to be decommed next year, but they are wanting to extend it until 2013! Come on now! I will bet hubby's left nut it doesnt make it 2 more years! While on cruise he broke a handrail just by bumping into it. It was so rusty the damned thing just snapped apart! Safe, huh?? Let's just hope the rest of this little underway period is uneventful!