An all around bad day. . .

I miss him. I am having a really hard day today. Things have been fine. I have been very proud of myself this deployment. I have not broken down once, not once. I have been strong. Today is a different story. I keep crying at the drop of a hat, I am lonely, and I am sad. I want my husband home. I know this may sound selfish. He has only been gone for 3 months. There are thousands of other women out there who have been without their husbands a lot longer than that. And there are the ones that will never see their husbands again. I count myself lucky that I only have to survive 6-7 month deployments at a time. Even though they come way too often. But today, I am not feeling very strong. I don't feel strong most days, I feel like I could fall apart at the drop of a hat and my world is always chaos, but I hold it together. I have to. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to our half way party today, to celebrate this deployment being half finished. This is a good day, yet it makes me realize we are only half finished. . that means I have another 3 months to go. I don't know how I will make it. Although I hate deployments with everything inside of me, and every time I hear that word mentioned I get sick at my stomach, I do have to credit them with saving my marriage. Most people don't know of all of our problems, that is something I have always been good at, hiding my true problems. But lets just say that things were more than shaky there for a while. Just in the past 6-9 months have I realized what I want out of my life. It took me that long to decide what I need to be happy. I know this is sad, but that is just life I guess. I am at peace in my life right now, and I am ever so grateful for that. But I have a friend who is at the exact same point in her life right now that I was at only a few short years ago. She thinks that it is the end of the world, and she is ready to give up. Well, she has given up. I wish I could pass on my infinite wisdom to her, but I can't. This is something that she needs to deal with on her own. I have given her my advice, but that is all that it can be, advice. She has to make the decision in her life if it is worth sticking around for. Personally, I am so glad that I stuck around. There were many many days and months where I didn't know why I did, but now I am so happy that I did. I wish the best for her. She is young just like me, and she is having to walk the same hard road I did. I would never wish that upon my worst enemy, bless her heart. Why can't life be easy? Why can't things just be cut and dry? Not only will I be sad for her if she does lose her marriage, I will be sad for me too. I know that is selfish, but she has become one of my very best friends, and I don't want to lose her. She has helped me get through some rough times over the past few months, and she is exactly what I needed to help get me out of my rut. I have had so much trouble finding friends in the places we have lived. I have made many "friends" and gone and done things with them and that sort of thing, but I had not been able to find that person that I could call at 2 am because I am upset, or I can just walk into her house and take whatever I want out of the fridge. That is what I needed. I needed someone who knows what I am going through, because they are too. I finally found that. We have so much in common, and we understand each other. I don't want to lose her. But I do want her to make the best decisions regarding her life, and if that is going back home, and leaving her husband, then that is what she needs to do. She deserves to be happy just like anyone else in the world. Her marriage is very new, and they still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but if both of them are not willing to work on things, then there is no hope. Deployment doesn't make that any easier. But yes, I am sad today, today is not a good day. I need a bottle of tequila and a baby sitter. . lol. I miss my husband, I want him home, now. Thinking of him right now makes me burst into tears. I have finally had it. . .my good cry since he left. I needed that I know. . but dammit I hate to cry. And now I have messed up my makeup, so I guess I need to go and reapply. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.