Sigh

So the car is fixed. . over $300 later. grr. The master fuse had blown and it had to have a new battery, that couldnt have come at a better time (sense the sarcasm in my voice).

On a brighter note.. it is only 3 days until my mother gets here to keep my darling angel while I make the 3 hour journey to FL to see my love. I cant wait! I wish he was coming home with me, but 3 more days isnt too long to wait. Hopefully I can keep him home with me for a while this time. We shall see!

Why? Why? Whhhhyyyyy???

UGH! Okay. . hubby comes home in a little over a week. WE ARE SOOOO CLOSE! But guess what.. . I am having issues with the electrical system in my car. The interior lights do not work, the radio does not work, the a/c does not work. . AHHHHHHH. Why me? Why does everything that can go wrong, go wrong when he is away????? I am supposed to be driving down to meet the ship this weekend. Hubby doesn't get to come home then, but I will get to see him for half of a day and that is more than worth a 3 hour drive. . but my effing car is screwed up!!! I called the dealership this morning and they cant get me in until (sigh) 8 in the morning. . so I wait. Please fix it. . and please don't cost a lot of money. . I am just a poor military wife. . lol. Why does this crap ALWAYS happen to me??? Why cant something in my life just go smoothly for once? Just once? sigh. I just needed to vent. I have so much other crap to be doing this week. . that was not penciled into my schedule. . but oh well. Hopefully things will work out. ahh. . life.

I miss my deployed lover.. . .

Please note that this is for NAVY, NOT marines, army, air force, or any of those other branches of the military


Sailors come in all shapes, shades, weights, sizes, and states of sobriety, misery, and confusion. He is sly as a fox, has the nerve of a dope addict, the sincerity of a politician, and the subtly of MT. Saint Helen. He is extremely irresistible, totally irrational and completely indestructible.

A Sailor is a Sailor all his life. He is a magical creature. You can kick him out of your house but not out of your heart. You can take him off your mailing list but not off your mind. Sailors are found everywhere... in love...in battle... in lust... in trouble...in debt...in bars and ... behind them. No one can write so seldom and yet think so much of you. No one else can get so much enjoyment out of a letter or clean clothes or a six pack.

A Sailor is a genius with a deck of cards. A millionaire without a cent and brave without a grain of sense. He is the PROTECTOR OF AMERICA, with the latest copy of playboy in his back pocket. When he wants something it's usually 30 days leave, music that hurts the ears, a five dollar bill...or a woman he can count on.

Girls love them, mothers tolerate them, fathers brag about them,
the government pays them, the police watch out for them and somehow they all work together.

You can beat their bodies but not their minds. You can tame their hearts but not their souls.

He likes girls, beer, females, liquor, women, shots, ladies, and the opposite sex.

He dislikes small checks, working weekends, answering letters, eating chow, waking up, maintaining a uniform, and the day before payday.

You may as well give in. He is your deployed lover...he is
your steel eyed, warm smiling, blank minded, hyperactive, over reacting, curious, passive, talented spontaneous, physically fit, good for nothing bundle of worry.....

And will always be there for you regardless of how long its been since you've last talked.

I felt I should share.. .

Thank you to the woman that wrote this and all of the others that feel the same way. . .we need all of the support we can get. . and people like this are the reason that we do get up every single day and carry on. . just knowing that we are supported and loved and respected is worth more than anything in the world. . that is the only payback any of us would ever ask for. We do it because we love our men and our country.

Thank You~ Jennifer



The woman who wrote this is SO sincere and I honor that. I would like to meet her and shake her hand or even give her a hug. I am warning you have a tissue ready, its got tears in my eyes.

Dear Military Wife,

I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.

I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for.

I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband.

I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so.

I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand.

I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home.

I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.

And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.

For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel.

I can not tell you that you must be strong.

I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man".
I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes.

What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - -
I will never have to walk in your shoes.

I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now.

I have figured out that you are not like other women.

You are of a special breed.

You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess.

The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.

You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American.

I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.

Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what
America meant to me.

Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.

Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family.

You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down.

Military families make this nation what it is today.

You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Because of you and your family...I am able to be me.

I am able to have my family.

I am able to walk free in this great land.

Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay.

Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.

I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.

I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable.

However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...

what you are doing...

what has happened today...

or what will happen tomorrow...

Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me....

And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.

You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

May God Bless You

To my Navy Girls. . . . I love you guys!

"The goodbyes are what make hellos so wonderful."

How many times have we heard this? How many times have we heard this and wanted to hate it, but instead had to love it because it was the truth. Hundreds maybe.. even thousands of times.

Loving a man far away is hard, no matter what anyone says. Long distance in itself is difficult. But what magnifies it even more is the military lifestyle, the fact that our men are also Sailors. Being an extension of the Navy, we are involved too. We lead our civilian lives, but, whether or not we believe it, we also lead extensions of our Sailor's life. We learn about the Navy. We read about it, speak of it, and maybe even dream about it. We know what all the acronyms mean, and we don't even have to think twice when confronted with military time. We know rank, and how to address it. We find ourselves swelling with pride every time we hear the National Anthem or America the Beautiful. Both of which give us chills down our spines and tears in our eyes. Every time we see another man in uniform, our hearts yearn for our own Sailor, and our prayers extend to whomever is loving this man from far away. Each of you know exactly what I mean as I sit here, writing this to you.

I am writing it for you.

For all of you who wake up in the morning, lay there for a few moments, trying to swallow the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach as you wonder where your Sailor is or how he is doing... this is for you.

For all of you who start a countdown the minute he leaves and continue to until he is back in your arms again... this is for you.

For all of you who tear up every time "Far Away" comes on the radio, or who press repeat when "Come Home Soon" plays in your car... this one's for you.

For all of you who see Navy billboards, ads in the paper, or commercials on TV and next notice the tears rolling down your cheeks, this is for you.

I am one of you too. This is for US.

For all the times we sleep with our phones on the loudest possible volume as to not miss the call that just MIGHT come...

For all of you who can't walk past the computer when your Sailor is deployed without just checking to see if MAYBE you have an email.

For all the times we roll our eyes when another girl is depressed because she hasn't seen her guy in a week... poor thing.

For all of you who know exactly how many hours ahead of you your Sailor is when he is in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Dubai, The Gulf, Japan, etc. . .

For all the late nights that we spend alone, cuddling with our stuffed animals, wearing our Sailors PT sweatshirts and sweatpants, clutching his precious dog tags around our necks...

This one is for us.

We may feel weak on the inside, but, on the outside we're strong.
We may be drowning in tears on the inside, but, on the outside we are a rock.
We may want to crawl into bed and sleep until our man comes home, but, instead, we get up and go on with our daily lives with our men in our hearts, and always in our thoughts.
We may feel like we're slowly dying with each day we spend apart from our men, but, instead, we put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.

We are strong and we are proud.
We have more love in our hearts than we ever thought possible, and, for this, we are thankful. We are thankful for our men and also for each other. We are Sailor's girls and we lean on one another. We have a sisterhood.

Alone we are weak, but, together we are strong. We help each other and we survive.

To all of you USN gals out there- hold your head up and be proud.
We are connected, ALWAYS.

I can breathe. . . .

I just had the most amazing phone call with my husband. He called from port and it is the first time I have heard his voice in a month. But the most amazing thing is all of the stuff that we talked about. He spent $50 to buy 2 phone cards so that we could talk for 2 hours. . that was a great surprise. I don't know why, but we both just started opening up and talking about things that we have never really talked about. We have had some really rough years in our marriage and to be honest. . neither one of us thought that it would last. Not because we didn't care about each other, just because we had given up on each other. But that is a whole different story. Things were BAD. But things have gotten better in the last 6 months. A LOT better. I am very guilty of not being there for him in his times of need, because I felt like he was never there for me. . so when his dad passed away. . I did what I needed to do as far as help organize the funeral, and take care of the financials and getting the house and stuff taken care of. . but I never really opened myself up to him to let him grieve. . yes, I had beef with his dad. . but that should never have made me not be there for my husband. Anyway, that is another REALLY long story. And I have done quite a few other things that i really regret. I had a talk with my best friend one night about all of our problems and things I did and things he did. . and she just told me that she feels like everything, good or bad, happens for a reason, and if it wouldn't have happened I wouldn't be feeling like I am today. It just kind of switched a light on for me. She is totally right. Now this is the same person I have been trying to give marital advice to, she needs to just listen to herself. . lol. But from that day on, I have realized that I am more in love with my husband than the day that I married him. . and I cant thank her enough for that. Yes, before I was getting to this point. . I was finally happy with him, and the way things were going, but I just needed that push to realize that everything was going to be okay. And after talking to him today, I know that everything is going to be okay. We were both in tears when we got off the phone. . and he was around hundreds of guys, but he said he didn't care. He talked to me about things that had been bothering him about us, and I did the same thing, and we talked about his dad dying. . and a lot of other things. It was a GREAT talk. . probably one of the best we have ever had. I am just so at peace right now. . it is a wonderful feeling. Also, for anyone who cares. We have decided that as soon as he gets home we are going to have another baby. This was his idea. I have tossed around the thought, but I wanted to wait until it was a better time for him. . but the more I kept thinking about it, I realized that there never would be a perfect time for us. . if we wait until shore duty maddison will be 5, nearly 6 before we had it, and I just don't want them that far apart. . so we will officially be trying when he gets home. I am so excited. On another note. . maddison is sick. . I feel sorry for her. . she is running a fever and puking.. .fun fun. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow.

Frustration. . .

Talking dirty through email is just not that effective. . . LOL.

OUCH!

That is what I say everytime my bra strap rubs my shoulders. . lol. I have spent 2 days this week at the beach, and I am going back Sunday. I am burnt.. but I love it! Lol. I wouldnt have it any other way. I think it just kind of dawned on us that summer is over, and fall is passing by quickly, so we need to get as much beach time in as possible. I love the ocean.. it is such a stress reliever for me. I love going to the beach and laying in the sun, cooking my ass, and listening to the waves crash. . ahh heaven. The kids love it. I love them being there. . we can let them go, and they run and they play, and they are not in my hair. . LOVE IT. It has been a pretty good week. Tomorrow is 100 days since hubby left. Time has been pretty good to us. Not too slow. He will be home in less than 100 days. . so that is a wonderful thing. Cant wait! He is hitting port in a few days. . so I will get a phone call.. I cant wait to hear his voice again! He has also been promoted to shift supervisor. . this is a good thing for him. . it looks great on his evals.. but it also means a lot more work. . so that sucks for me. But he is great at his job and he puts his whole heart into it.. so things will be fine. I am just so proud of him.

An all around bad day. . .

I miss him. I am having a really hard day today. Things have been fine. I have been very proud of myself this deployment. I have not broken down once, not once. I have been strong. Today is a different story. I keep crying at the drop of a hat, I am lonely, and I am sad. I want my husband home. I know this may sound selfish. He has only been gone for 3 months. There are thousands of other women out there who have been without their husbands a lot longer than that. And there are the ones that will never see their husbands again. I count myself lucky that I only have to survive 6-7 month deployments at a time. Even though they come way too often. But today, I am not feeling very strong. I don't feel strong most days, I feel like I could fall apart at the drop of a hat and my world is always chaos, but I hold it together. I have to. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to our half way party today, to celebrate this deployment being half finished. This is a good day, yet it makes me realize we are only half finished. . that means I have another 3 months to go. I don't know how I will make it. Although I hate deployments with everything inside of me, and every time I hear that word mentioned I get sick at my stomach, I do have to credit them with saving my marriage. Most people don't know of all of our problems, that is something I have always been good at, hiding my true problems. But lets just say that things were more than shaky there for a while. Just in the past 6-9 months have I realized what I want out of my life. It took me that long to decide what I need to be happy. I know this is sad, but that is just life I guess. I am at peace in my life right now, and I am ever so grateful for that. But I have a friend who is at the exact same point in her life right now that I was at only a few short years ago. She thinks that it is the end of the world, and she is ready to give up. Well, she has given up. I wish I could pass on my infinite wisdom to her, but I can't. This is something that she needs to deal with on her own. I have given her my advice, but that is all that it can be, advice. She has to make the decision in her life if it is worth sticking around for. Personally, I am so glad that I stuck around. There were many many days and months where I didn't know why I did, but now I am so happy that I did. I wish the best for her. She is young just like me, and she is having to walk the same hard road I did. I would never wish that upon my worst enemy, bless her heart. Why can't life be easy? Why can't things just be cut and dry? Not only will I be sad for her if she does lose her marriage, I will be sad for me too. I know that is selfish, but she has become one of my very best friends, and I don't want to lose her. She has helped me get through some rough times over the past few months, and she is exactly what I needed to help get me out of my rut. I have had so much trouble finding friends in the places we have lived. I have made many "friends" and gone and done things with them and that sort of thing, but I had not been able to find that person that I could call at 2 am because I am upset, or I can just walk into her house and take whatever I want out of the fridge. That is what I needed. I needed someone who knows what I am going through, because they are too. I finally found that. We have so much in common, and we understand each other. I don't want to lose her. But I do want her to make the best decisions regarding her life, and if that is going back home, and leaving her husband, then that is what she needs to do. She deserves to be happy just like anyone else in the world. Her marriage is very new, and they still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but if both of them are not willing to work on things, then there is no hope. Deployment doesn't make that any easier. But yes, I am sad today, today is not a good day. I need a bottle of tequila and a baby sitter. . lol. I miss my husband, I want him home, now. Thinking of him right now makes me burst into tears. I have finally had it. . .my good cry since he left. I needed that I know. . but dammit I hate to cry. And now I have messed up my makeup, so I guess I need to go and reapply. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Tiny Tot Love ♥

So maddison has her first boyfriend. It is too cute. His name is Connor and he was 2 in April. He is the cutest little thing. He is my new friend Sandi's son. They have been together every single day since last Saturday. When we are not with them Connor is saying "I wanna go Maddison's house" "I love maddison" and Maddison is saying "connie. . connie and looking out the window". It is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Maddison is so aggressive with him. . she is always trying to hug him and kiss him. . and he is like "get away". .LOL. Of course my hubby is not happy that he goes away and she gets her first boyfriend. He says I just can't let her get married before he gets home. I sent him a pic and he said. . "he is a really cute kid. . it is sad that I am going to have to kill him" ha ha. Well, I just thought I would share about my little one's first love.

A Little Adult Conversation goes a long way. . .

Oh my gosh. . you never know how much you miss talking to an adult until you have the opportunity. . now don't get me wrong my 2 year old is quite the conversationalist and she always has something interesting to say. . but half of it I can't understand. . ha ha. I finally met some ladies here that I think I am going to get along with really well. I started talking to one of them on myspace and then we decided to meet up yesterday. . and I met another at the Family Support Group Meeting last night. One has a 2 year old son and him and my baby girl got along sooo well. . We ended up all going over to one of the girl's house to eat dinner and we didn't leave until 1 am. We were all so excited about talking to an adult I think. They are both wives from my command so we have that in common. I am also starting to take the lil one to 2 play groups every week. One here at LB and the other is a Mommy's morning out thing at PI. I am soo looking forward to that. She loves playing with other kids. . but I was having trouble finding mommies that I could tolerate long enough for that. . but now I think I have! YAY! Ha ha sorry to ramble. . but I am just relieved. . I think this will help pass the time of cruise a lot better!

It's August!!

July went by so quickly.. thank the lord! I hope the months continue to fly by and don't start dragging ass like I know they are going to. I seem to have a lot to keep me busy. That is good. This week has actually gone by fast, I have had a million things to do around here, after being gone for 10 days. Whew you never know how much you will miss your house and your stuff until you leave it for a while. I had a pretty good trip back home. I threw my sis a sweet 16 party. It was a bust. Her friends are losers from hell. I invited 65 people and 2 showed up. Her best friends weren't even there. Well, they used to be her best friends. . I don't know now. My friends would NEVER have done that to me. . she needs to find some better "friends".

The rest of the week I didn't do too much, then I went to PCB for the weekend with my mom and step dad and sis and Nanny. It was an okay trip, not what I would call a vacation, but it was okay. We ended up having a pretty good time after a rough start. Oh yeah, and my windshield got broken on the way home.. a truck threw something up off of the road and now it is cracked in the middle. . OH that PISSED me off. And of course I don't have the money right now to get it fixed because my insurance deductible is more then the windshield, so I am having to drive around like a redneck with a big crack in my windshield. UGH!! But anyway. . I really would like to try to take a week long vacation down there next summer though. . It has changed a lot since the last time I went, and there were a ton of things down there that I want to do. Maybe I can find someone to split a condo with us and we can go. Can't afford it on my own. ha ha.

I really don't have a lot going on in August to keep me busy. I am going back home at the end for my kiddo's 2nd birthday. OMG I can't believe she is almost 2!! I was shocked at seeing her boy cousin when I went back home. . he just turned 2 and he was so much bigger than the last time I had seen him, which was only a couple of months ago! I think we need to put a book on their heads. Not just bigger, but the vocabularies keep growing! I am not going to have a baby anymore after Sept. I think there is some kind of mourning process you have to go through when your first baby grows up, I am NOT looking forward to that. I am not sure about when she will get a little brother or sister. Hubby wants another sooo bad. . but I keep telling him, how about you get to know your first kid first!! haha. . Poor thing. She is 23 months old and he has seen her for 11 months of her life. That is really sad. . I know. And of that 11 months he was gone a lot for training. He missed her 1st bday and he is going to miss her 2nd. I just pray that he is home for her 3rd. It is so funny though, because even though they get to spend so little time together she is such a Daddy's Girl. She kisses his picture and talks to it every day. And I wear his dog tags when he is gone and she kisses them and says "daddy's necklace" it is so sweet. She misses him like crazy. . every morning when she wakes up the first thing she says is "Daddy?" and I have to say "no baby. . he is still on the ship". I will be so glad when we get to a point when he doesn't have to deploy as often. But until then I will be here supporting and missing him. He got to call when he was in port in France. I got to talk to him twice! It was great to hear his voice. I dunno when he will get to call back. . no more ports for a long time I am afraid. Well the kid just woke up from her nap so I have to go back to playing mommy now.

Coping. . .

Ugh. . I don't feel good today. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I wanna puke. I hate feeling sick, that is the worst thing in the world. And of course my poor child has no clue and she just wants to play with mommy. Mommy doesn't want to play. ha ha. Days like this make me really miss my Petty Officer. Don't get me wrong I miss him all of the time. But this deployment is different for some reason so far. I am at peace. It is strange. Yes, I miss him, and yes, I want him to come home, and yes, I worry about him every single day. But I am fine with all of that for now. I get up in the morning get into my normal routine and go about my day. I am not letting this get to me. I am a strong woman and I can make it. . well at least that is what I keep telling myself. I am counting down the days until he gets home, but I think I will be fine until then. I am keeping myself busy with little projects that need to be done around the house, and I have several trips planned to go back home. Once for my lil sis's sweet 16, and then again for my lil one's 2nd birthday, and then for Thanksgiving, and then for Christmas. So that is 4 trips home. That should keep me busy. I think I will be making the Christmas trip alone this year. . from the sounds of it they won't be back by then. A news reporter asked when we might expect them back. . and I quote the skipper "We are here to serve our country and the president and to support the ground troops. . .We will return when our Nation doesn't need us anymore." Oh, okay. . see you in 2029. It is a little scary not knowing when they will be home. .but we deal. We have to.

Now the Real Countdown Begins. . .

The Countdown until he comes home. Well actually there is not really a true x amount of days until daddy gets home. . . because they never tell you when they are going to be home. They say "maybe sometime in December". . which really means. . could be December. . could be January. . who knows. But anyhow. .he is gone. Not really gone gone yet. . ship's movement hasn't happened yet. . can't tell you when it is going to. . you know OPSEC and all. . "Loose Lips Sink Ships". But it is happening soon. . but the air wing flew up there yesterday. It was a sad going away. Particulary because of the lil one's reaction. Hubby was like "tell me bye, I am going to be gone for a long time" and she was like "bye daddy" and then wanted to keep playing. Then he said bye to me and they started walking to the plane. Suddenly she realized that he was no longer standing there and then she saw him off in the distance and she started screaming "DADDY DADDY. . MOMMA GO!! DADDY GO GO!!" It was soooo sad. She burst into tears and tried running after him. . of course I had to catch her and she kicked me and screamed. Some of the women that don't have kids around me started crying because she was so upset. Of course there were many other kids there just as upset. It was difficult. It wasn't so bad last time they left.. she didnt have a clue what was going on. But now she is asking for him constantly. I think she will be fine until he calls from the first port call and she realizes that he isn't going to come home. But as sad as it is, this is something that she will have to get used to.

So far I am fine. . but it isn't too real yet because I can still talk to him on the phone right now. He will actually be at Oceana for about a week because they are making him stay back to make sure all of the jets dont have any problems when they take off to head that way. Then they will fly him and the few other guys that stayed back with him out to the ship. He is so looking forward to this because he has been catapulted off of the ship before but he has never landed on it and caught the wire. And of course in that sick Macho mind set guys have. . this is the coolest thing to happen to him all year. ha ha. The first port call is going to be very soon after they leave . . and then we were told not to expect too many after that. They will be spending all of their time doing combat missions. I can't give any details. . but it is going to suck.

We had a great 4th of July. We went to Parris Island and watched the fireworks and listened to the Marine Corps Band. . it was great. Good times.. It was a wonderful way to spend our last day together before he left.

I just hope that he makes it in for Christmas. . but I am not going to get my hopes up. Well more to come as I am allowed to talk about it.

The Countdown begins. . .

until Deployment. . . UGH. I have put it off as long as possible. I guess I thought that if I didn't think about it or if I didn't talk about it that it wouldn't happen. Well pretending that he is not leaving is not going to work anymore. . we are in final countdown mode. I hate the final week before he leaves. There is never ending amounts of stuff to do. Honey do this and honey do that before you leave because I don't want it to mess up while you are gone. . paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. Making sure the direct deposit is good, making sure we have an agreement on each other's budget while we are apart, making sure the power of attorney is good, making sure the dreaded will is correct, filling out emergency contact sheets, filling out final wishes sheets, making sure the all of his file is up to date. . it never ends. . then there is the packing. . the shopping for the packing. . . never ending nonsense. There is so much stuff to do to prepare there is no time to spend just having family time. . .well not that we could get that anyway because on top of all the stuff that has to be done at home there is that much and more for him to do at work so they are working 16-18 hour nights and weekends. . oh we did hear that they might get the 4th off work. . how sweet of them to let us celebrate independence day. .you know the reason they are fighting in the first place.

I am just really stressed right now. But I put the brave face on and tell him how supportive I am and that I am so proud of him and that we will be fine. Then I do the crying behind closed doors so that no one can see. I know he hates leaving us behind and he hates missing so much in the lil ones life. . . but deep down he has this need and want to go. As soon as they get the orders there is this little sparkle that they all get in their eyes. They try their best to hid it from us. . be we see it. We secretly hate that twinkle, but it is comforting to know that the people that are out there defending us want to be there and the love every minute of it. Yeah, they sometimes complain, but who doesn't complain about their job? But at the end of the day every single sailor, marine, soldier, or airman that I know would go back in a heartbeat and they cant think of anything else they would rather be doing.

Ships movement is happening sooner than what we were originally told, but that is really no surprise to me. I have learned that in a life with the government you don't expect something to happen on a certain date until it is actually happening. Dates, times, and places WILL be changed a hundred times before the event. For me being such an organization freak this is a little unnerving for me, but I manage. . ha ha.

As the deployment creeps nearer the fights get closer together. They call it "predeployment isolation". ha ha leave it to the government to name everything. They say it is because you don't want to get close to anyone that you know that you are going to be apart from for a while. It happens every time. . and then 5 minutes after you drop him off he calls and says I am so sorry.. I miss you already. ha ha ha. . it's just another one of those things that we deal with. But anyway. . I am going to go. I am sure that I will be writing a lot more about this, because this is a great outlet for me. . I don't like to whine to people with my problems so I will just air them out for the entire cyberspace to read . . ha ha.

Ta ta for now!

Random Thoughts

I am bored out of my mind and the lil one is napping so I thought I would get on here and spit some random thoughts.

Happy Memorial Day first off. I hope that everyone is remembering the true meaning of the day and not that it is just a day to get off work and have and excuse for a barbecue. Many men and women have died for this country and they deserve the upmost respect.

There are only like 5 more days until the dh comes home. It seems like he has been gone forever and it has only been like 9 days. This upcoming deployment is going to SUCK! But oh well, what can you do?

My dad and stepmom came and visited for a few days. That was nice. They don't ever get to visit. We ran non stop the whole time they were here, but we had a blast. The only thing is that when I go do something or go eat somewhere where I have never been before I feel a little guilty that dh can't be there with me. But then I remember that he has gotten to go to about 9 countries that I have not seen and there are no telling how many more before his career is over. So I only feel bad for a second! ha ha. I am exhausted after them leaving though, so I have done NOTHING today. Tomorrow brings house cleaning and laundry though. . fun fun.

Let's see. . what's next? My little brother is a piece of shit. I wish I could strangle him with my bare hands. I am sick and tired of him mooching off of everyone and getting away with it. I don't care what lifestyle he chooses to live, that is his business. . but he needs to do that on his own. . and not have to rely on an 83 year old woman and a 21 year old girl to support him. What kind of loser does that? Well, more to come about that. . but the little one just woke up. .

I love my mom. . I really do!

So I started back on my WW diet today. . I was doing sooo good last summer and then I moved and couldn't go to meetings anymore. . but I took a vow to stick with it and all that BS. Well of course I didn't stick with it, and I have started back 3 times since, to last about 3-4 weeks and fall off the wagon again. Well I made up my mind. . this is the week! I am starting today! Nobody is getting in my way! I was doing great today. . wonderful in fact! I stuck with my diet just fine. . then I actually went and walked at least 2 miles. I was very proud. Then I get home. The doorbell rings. It is a woman with a huge bouquet of flowers. I look at hubby he say's "it wasn't me. ." and then shoots the "Who the hell sent you flowers" look. Then She hands me a huge box of chocolates. From the Chocolate Tree. . a local candy store. I have been wanting to get candy from there since I have moved here. . but I refrained. I read the card. . "Happy Mother's Day. . blah blah blah, Love, Mom". Back to the "I love my mom, I really do". Now if this was just some random box of chocolates I could resist no problem. . I don't eat a lot of sweets anyway. But, no, this is the best chocolate I have had in a while. This is even better than River Street Sweets in Savannah and I thought that place was the best ever! Now I have to practice "Will Power" ha ha. . if I had will power I would not need WW. I am starting by taking a lot of it to the squadron tonight and giving it to the guys in Hubby's shop. That will take care of some of it. . but the rest is for me!! ha ha. . I guess I will be walking 4 miles the rest of the week! I guess that is pay back for the 2lbs of Hershey's chocolate I sent my mom for Mother's Day! ha ha ha! But she is about to get liposuction. . so she can get away with it! BLAH!

Kind of a funny story. . .

We went to town on Sunday and when we were coming back onto the base I said let's just stop by the park with Maddison. . so we started to and then I decided that maybe we should run home fist and grab her something to drink because it was super hot that day and then we could just walk to the park. Well we got the drinks and were getting ready to walk that way when we say a HUGE black cloud of smoke in the same area we were about to go to. That particular park his right next to the 7 day store/gas station. So we hopped into the car instead and headed that way thinking the gas station was on fire. When we got around the corner we quickly realized it wasn't the gas station, it was the park! ha ha. It is not every day you see slides with 40 foot flames coming out the top. This is the same place we would have been at if we wouldn't have gone to the house for drinks. When we drove by it the first time it was fine so it had to have happened during the 2-3 mins we were at home. We watched the firemen put it out, but it was completely destroyed. The housing communtiy is undergoing remodeling and that was the last park they finished. . it was all brand new equpitment that is now a melted pile of plastic. I have no idea how it started. The lil one just watched and said "Oh No!! Uh Oh!!" over and over. It was sad! ha ha. Well I guess that is just one more traumatic childhood event that she can discuss with her therapist one day! Needless to say we went to another park! But we had fun none the less. Just thought I would share my amusing story.

Mother's Day. .

I had a pretty good Mother's Day. Hubby let me sleep in and then he brought me breakfast in bed. He got me a nice pot for my palm tree on the front porch, and a few other little things for the yard, and a sweet card from him and the lil one. Then later that night he cooked me dinner and even cleaned the kitchen! It was a wonderful thing. I wish every day was Mother's Day. . he he. I hope everyone else had a great day also.

Well on a more Ugh side of things.. my hubby just realized a few days ago that he was sent the wrong books for one of his distance learning courses, and when he called them to find out what he needed to do, they said well we can send you the new books but your tests and homework have to be turned in by the 15th. HA HA HA. He got the right books like Saturday, and then had until today to do all of the quizzes, homework, and then go take 2 tests and a final today. So I got conned into doing his homework. It was algebra, I have not done algebra since 8th grade. . and there were 60 assignments to do in 2 days. I started working on these yesterday morning at about 10am. . I went to bed at about 5:30am this morning. Got up, and started again. Only stopping to take care of the lil one's needs. My hand hurts, my head hurts, my neck hurts, and I am tired! Ugh, the things we will do for our husbands. But we got it done and he went and took his tests and final. Praise the lord!

About the lil one. . we are doing GREAT with potty training. I am so proud of her. She is doing a wonderful wonderful job. We are still having some accidents, but that is to be expected. I am not forcing it. She just pretty much goes when she wants to right now. She is such a great kid. She keeps me laughing all day long. I don't know what I would do without her.

Hubby leaves Sunday to go on a det (detachment) to the boat again. Good news, is they are only supposed to be gone for 10 days. Yay! That is great! Bad news is, there are rumours flying that they will not be coming back and just go straight into deployment. Not great! But they are just rumours right now. They have a pre-deployment briefing this week sometime, so maybe we will find out for sure then.

My dad and stepmom are coming to visit next week. This should be fun. They don't get to come visit very often. They only came to Va Beach, one time, and I think that is only because we had just had the baby. ha ha.

I'm really not that bad of a mom. . .

I guess some days being a "single" parent just gets to me. I am to the point today where I just don't want to go any further. I have the beginnings of a migraine and I just want to crawl into bed and cry. Husband is supposed to be home at midnight Saturday. Well I have to drive to Savannah and pick him up at midnight because the air strip here is closed due to the airshow this weekend. But anyway. . back to my point. Some days I just want to give up. I have yelled so much today. This is one of those days where the kid is being a SHIT. She is into EVERYTHING. Tearing up EVERYTHING. I have been trying to clean today. . ha ha ha. I can't get one thing finished without turning the corner and a new mess awaits. If I find one more goldfish cracker crushed into the carpet I think I may flip. I know it is not her fault, it is all of my emotions that need to be fixed. .

My life is so stressed right now. I guess I don't really have anyone to turn to. Nobody really understands how I am feeling, or they will judge me for the things that I need to get off my chest. I guess keeping all of this bottled inside is starting to take its toll on me. I don't like being that mom that screams at her kid constantly and just wants to beat her until she stops, but that is how I feel right now. I never wanted to have kids this young. But I guess that you have to take the hand that you are dealt. Here lately I have been rethinking a lot of decisions that I have made in my life. What if I would have done this differently or this. . or so on. But I can't change things now. . so I need to move on with life. Sometimes I just feel like I am missing out on something. What, I don't know. . but something.

Well I guess I need to get my head out of my ass and try and survive until bed time. Hopefully that won't be too far away.

OMG I want to sleep!

It is 1 am! I am not sleeping. Why, you might ask. Because I have my eyes glued to the radar. Yes, it is getting to be that time of year again when almost every week there is a threat of severe weather. It ALWAYS happens when I am alone. . ALWAYS!! So I get to pull double duty and stay up by myself. It really hasn't gotten here yet and that is what is pissing me off. It is just west of us. I wish it would hurry up and move through so I can go to bed. Because no matter how much sleep I manage to get, Maddison will be up at the ass crack of dawn as her usual chipper self. UGH! This has been a really dangerous set of storms though. One did some serious damage in Enterprise, AL. My step mom's sister lives there, and the tornado was really close to her house. Luckily they are fine and had no damage. Our tornado siren has gone off twice today for no reason. . I dunno. But it is REALLY freaking loud! It is like maybe 100 yards from my house! GEEZE! I just hope it doesn't have to go off again. It would be nice for it to just blow over and then I can go to bed. But just in case it doesn't, just like any good southern girl, I have the bathroom ready. . blankets, pillows, shoes, jackets, flashlight, and my purse! haha. Well, that is what you get from living in AL all your life! Well, we shall see how the rest of the night plays out. . hopefully uneventful!!

Are you kidding me??

Well, the ship was supposed to get underway yesterday. But instead I get a phone call saying that as they were pushing away from the pier the ship went dead in the water! Are you kidding me? So they moored back up and sent divers into the water to fix the problem.. something to do with one of the propellors or something. It took the divers until after 10 last night to fix it. Then no more did they get finished with that, they had a problem in one of the engine rooms. So as of midnight last night hubby still didnt know when they were going to get to pull out. He called this morning at about 0930 and said they were attempting to push off again. I assume they made it because I have not heard anything contrary to that. Is that not a sign that they just dont need to go?? I can just see them out in the middle of the ocean and the reactors going down. .which they have been known to do. . leaving them bobbing like an oversized bath toy! That ship is a piece of shit anyway. It was supposed to be decommed next year, but they are wanting to extend it until 2013! Come on now! I will bet hubby's left nut it doesnt make it 2 more years! While on cruise he broke a handrail just by bumping into it. It was so rusty the damned thing just snapped apart! Safe, huh?? Let's just hope the rest of this little underway period is uneventful!

Yay, my first blog!

Well, I decided to start a blog. Writing is such good therapy. I could definitely use some!

So, yesterday morning I dropped hubby off at the hangar for his "boat det". I managed to do this with no tears despite the circumstances. Well, no tears that is until the drive back home. Normally this wouldn't be that big of an ordeal. Drop him off, he goes to sea for three weeks, pick him up and bring him home. But this time the chain of command has managed to leave us all in the dark. There have been rumours flying for a few weeks now that they are not going to come back in 3 weeks. As a matter of fact, it has been said that they could be out for as long as 9 months. When seeking answers to these questions we were met with. . well "officially" we will be back in 3 weeks, but "officially" pack a sea bag like you will not be returning. This is ridiculous! Knowing that they are going out for 6-9 months is one thing. You have time to prepare emotionally, financially, get things done around the house, that sort of thing. But to be given a time period of 3 weeks to 9 months. . . come on now!! Being a military wife you learn to cope with being alone much of the time. It isn't easy, and I don't think it ever does get easier, but we deal. But now I am just pissed! If you are going to snatch my husband away on a deployment, fine, I know it is for a reason, but give us a little notice!

I ♥ being a Navy wife. I am very proud of my husband and the things they do. Sometimes the loneliness just gets to me. My family is great though, they call, write, and sometimes even visit! It helps a lot. Also chasing an 18 month old passes the days by pretty quickly!

Speaking of 18 month old. . . the little one is doing great. She amazes me every day. It seems here lately she is learning a new word every single day. She is such a great kid, I couldn't have asked for anything better. We were lucky. I can't believe how big she is now though, it seems like just a few months ago I was bringing her home from the hospital. My only regret with her is that I wish hubby could get to see her grow and develop more. It seems like every time she does something new he is not around, and has to learn about it later. He catches himself treating her like a tiny baby sometimes, and then he has to step back and realize that she isn't so tiny any more. She loves her daddy though! They are inseparable when he is around.

They are finally finished with the renovations on my house. Thank God! All that is left is landscaping. They put the irrigation system in Friday and a tree. now comes the flower beds, and grass. . oh yeah and they have to repave the driveway, but after that they will be FINISHED! Yay, no more strange people in, and around my house all of the time! Very Exciting news!!

Oh yeah. . .