Army Wives (on Lifetime) is in reruns leading up to the new series premier in early summer. I didn't watch it regularly last season when it was on. Brandon was deployed, and I didn't think I could handle getting into a show about the military. A lot of my friends did get into it though, and were constantly talking about how much they loved it and how true it was. I caught a few minutes of a few episodes at a friends house and it did seem like it would be a good show. So anyway, now that it is in reruns and Brandon is home, I thought I would catch up and start watching it. I am now thinking this was a mistake.
I am sitting alone at 0100 (maddie is sleeping, Brandon is at work, and I am a night owl) . . this episode is great! I love it so far. . then it happens. Some of the guys have to deploy. This makes me start to think about our impending deployment. (sure it isn't until next summer, but damn. . I have been through 2 deployments in less than 2 years. . can't we catch a break?). . Just watching these "fake" Army Wives watch their "fake" Army husbands get on that plane to leave broke me down. I lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably. This is kind of silly I know, but it made me start thinking about my real life. I don't know how I will have the strength to stand in that hangar again next summer and say goodbye to my husband, my best friend, yet again.
I have heard that deployments never get easier, you just find better ways to deal. I don't know. At this point, I don't know if I have the strength to do this again. It is so hard. Unbelievably hard. There is no way to describe it. Giving him that last hug and that last kiss, and then watching him turn and walk to that plane, knowing that you are not going to see him for at least another 6 months. . I just don't know how I am going to do that, AGAIN. Hopefully over the next 12 months or so I will be more at peace with the fact that we will be apart again, but as of now if I was told that he was leaving again soon, then I just don't know what I would do. I mean, I cant really do anything, I am not going to ever leave him, so I will have to deal with it, but I don't know where I will pull that strength from.
I was having premonitions of collapsing on the hanger floor out of pure emotional exhaustion, but I can't do that. I have never let him see my cry as he leaves. I will watch him walk to that plane, with a seabag on his back, he will disappear inside, I will turn and walk to the car, not being able to stand and watch the plane leave, when I get to the car, I will cry my eyes out. When I am calm enough to drive, I will head home, and then as soon as I walk into the house it consumes me with this empty, lonely feeling and I cry some more. Finally, I force myself to get up and go on. I keep this from him because he has enough stress, and he hates leaving us just at much as we hate to watch him go, no need to upset him more.
The first couple of weeks is so hard, and then you settle into a routine and things get a little easier, then around half way it gets to you again. . you realize that it seems like it has been forever since you have seen and touched your love, and that you are ONLY half way. Then it gets a little better again, and then the last month before they come home is pure torture again. It is emotionally exhausting. I just don't want to have to do this again so soon. But it is not up to me. And yes, this is the life that we chose, and we are okay with that, but that does not make the long lonely nights and days any easier.
Don't get me wrong, I swell with pride when I think of my husband out there supporting the fight, and ensuring that we here at home can go to bed safely at night. I love being a part of keeping this great country running. I get emotional just thinking of the pride that me and my husband and friends have for this country. What we have is special and I know that, but it doesn't make the separation any easier. The only peace that I have in it is knowing that MY husband is a hero. He may not be a hero that will make history books, or become a household name, but he is MY hero, and he is Maddie's hero, and we love him so much for the sacrifices he makes in his own life to fight for what he believes in and to provide for his family. He is proud of what he does, and we are so proud of him for doing it.
I want to finish watching Army Wives, maybe watching these "fake" families go through this will help more that hurt. I know these are just actors, but there are thousands of real families going through this every single day. Please keep all of the deployed sailors, marines, soldiers, airman, and coasties and the families that they leave behind in your thoughts and prayers. They go away for months and years at a time to fight for us, the least we can do is stay here and fight for them.
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3 comments:
My husband is a CWO-5 in the Marine Corps, this August will be his (our) twentieth year in and there's no telling how much longer we're staying in. He's deployed so often it's insane...these last two times he's gone have been for 14 months each. I just wanted to let you know that while it does never get easy, you do kind of get used to it. It's never easy, and it's never fun but you know already...you just do what you gotta do. Anyway, hang in there! :o)
Thank you for your words. My husband has been in for 5 years, and we are about to go into our 3rd deployment. He will return from that one for 3-4 months and then go back. We got stuck in a shitty deployment cycle. I am sure you understand that though. Again, thank you for the support, and thank you for what your husband and you do as well. :]
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